Escape to Paradise: Stunning Renesse Holiday Home - Heart of Schouwen-Duiveland!
Alright, let's dive headfirst into reviewing the *&%# out of this hotel, yeah? I'm talking about the *&#$@ hotel, the one you're *%#$@ asking about. Buckle up, buttercups, this ain't your average, sterile hotel blurb. I'm going to be as honest as my drunk uncle at Thanksgiving.
Accessibility: The Good, the Bad, and the "Wait, Really?"
Let's get this out of the way: navigating this whole "accessibility" thing is always dicey. The hotel lists it, but how deep does it go? We're talking wheelchair accessible (that's a good start, but is it actually accessible, or the "accessible" where you need a sherpa and a winch? We gotta check the fine print, and real reviews), elevator (essential!), and facilities for disabled guests. Okay, good, good. More detail is needed to be convinced.
On-site accessible restaurants / lounges: This could be a game-changer if true! But this needs to be verified by outside reviews.
Internet: Free Wi-Fi in all rooms! Hallelujah!
Okay, big sigh of relief here. Free Wi-Fi in all rooms! That's a must in this day and age. Internet access – wireless and Internet access – LAN also make me want to do a happy dance. I need to work, I need to stream, I need to avoid talking to people. Internet is life (and my paycheck).
The "Things To Do" & Relaxation Smorgasbord: From Body Scrubs to Pool Views (and Panic Attacks?)
Alright, here's where things get interesting. This hotel promises a veritable relaxation and entertainment buffet. Let's see…
Body scrub, Body wrap, Massage: Yes, Please! Sold! Bring on the pampering! After a week of emails and zoom calls, I need this.
Fitness center, Gym/fitness: They have a gym! Okay, fine, I might use it. Maybe. Probably.
Pool with view, Swimming pool, Swimming pool [outdoor]: Pool with a view? Sign me up! I'll be judging the quality of their poolside cocktails with the same seriousness I once judged the merit of a PhD thesis.
Sauna, Spa, Spa/sauna, Steamroom: Ooooooh, sauna. Steamroom. I’m already picturing myself, all relaxed and… then I remember my general anxiety level, and my palms start sweating. Maybe I'll stick to the pool.
Things to do: This is too vague. I need more details. "Things to do" could mean anything from "staring at a wall" to "skydiving." I need a specific list!
Cleanliness and Safety: The Germaphobe's Dream (or Nightmare?)
Post-pandemic, this is crucial. Good to see the basics.
Anti-viral cleaning products: Good!
Cashless payment service: Fine.
Daily disinfection in common areas: Good.
Doctor/nurse on call, First aid kit: Necessary!
Hand sanitizer: Yay.
Hot water linen and laundry washing: Essential
Hygiene certification: Needs to be specified
Individually-wrapped food options: Eh, okay. Not my preference, but I understand.
Physical distancing of at least 1 meter: They say so…
Professional-grade sanitizing services: Good.
Room sanitization opt-out available: Okay, an option for some people.
Rooms sanitized between stays, Safe dining setup, Sanitized kitchen and tableware items: Good.
Shared stationery removed: Great.
Staff trained in safety protocol: Good.
Sterilizing equipment: Okay.
Dining, Drinking, and Snacking: Food, Glorious Food (and Possibly Regret)
This, people, is where the hotel either makes or breaks itself. Let's see if they hold up…
A la carte in restaurant, Alternative meal arrangement, Asian breakfast, Asian cuisine in restaurant, Bar, Bottle of water, Breakfast [buffet], Breakfast service, Buffet in restaurant, Coffee/tea in restaurant, Coffee shop, Desserts in restaurant, Happy hour, International cuisine in restaurant, Poolside bar, Restaurants, Room service [24-hour], Salad in restaurant, Snack bar, Soup in restaurant, Vegetarian restaurant, Western breakfast, Western cuisine in restaurant: OH. MY. GOD. That is an ambitious menu! I am already gaining weight just reading this! Let's focus on the important bits.
24-hour room service? YES. Absolutely yes. That's the mark of a truly indulgent hotel.
Poolside bar: I'll need a large margarita, STAT. And a good book. And someone to fan me.
Multiple restaurants: Variety is the spice of life, people! Hopefully, the food is good.
Vegetarian options: Important.
Buffet? Potential for joy, potential for disaster. We'll see.
Services and Conveniences: The Little Things That Matter
Air conditioning in public area, Audio-visual equipment for special events, Business facilities, Cash withdrawal, Concierge, Contactless check-in/out, Convenience store, Currency exchange, Daily housekeeping, Doorman, Dry cleaning, Elevator, Essential condiments, Facilities for disabled guests, Food delivery, Gift/souvenir shop, Indoor venue for special events, Invoice provided, Ironing service, Laundry service, Luggage storage, Meeting/banquet facilities, Meetings, Meeting stationery, On-site event hosting, Outdoor venue for special events, Projector/LED display, Safety deposit boxes, Seminars, Shrine, Smoking area, Terrace, Wi-Fi for special events, Xerox/fax in business center: Wow, they really thought of almost everything.
Contactless check-in/out: A lifesaver.
Concierge: Always a good thing!
Elevator: Essential!
Daily housekeeping: Important. I need my bed made.
Laundry service/Dry cleaning/Ironing service – Yes! No more wrinkled shirts!
For the Kids: Is This Actually a Family Hotel?
- Babysitting service, Family/child friendly, Kids facilities, Kids meal: Hmm. Let's assume it's a family-friendly hotel.
Access: The Nitty-Gritty
CCTV in common areas, CCTV outside property, Check-in/out [express], Check-in/out [private], Couple's room, Exterior corridor, Fire extinguisher, Front desk [24-hour], Hotel chain, Non-smoking rooms, Pets allowed unavailablePets allowed, Proposal spot, Room decorations, Safety/security feature, Security [24-hour], Smoke alarms, Soundproof rooms:
Security: Always a good thing.
Smoke alarms/Fire extinguishers: Essential.
Non-smoking rooms: Thank God.
24-hour front desk: Great.
Getting Around: Let's Get There!
Airport transfer, Bicycle parking, Car park [free of charge], Car park [on-site], Car power charging station, Taxi service, Valet parking:
Airport transfer: Helpful!
Free parking: YES.
Available in All Rooms: The Creature Comforts
Additional toilet, Air conditioning, Alarm clock, Bathrobes, Bathroom phone, Bathtub, Blackout curtains, Carpeting, Closet, Coffee/tea maker, Complimentary tea, Daily housekeeping, Desk, Extra long bed, Free bottled water, Hair dryer, High floor, In-room safe box, Interconnecting room(s) available, Internet access – LAN, Internet access – wireless, Ironing facilities, Laptop workspace, Linens, Mini bar, Mirror, Non-smoking, On-demand movies, Private bathroom, Reading light, Refrigerator, Safety/security feature, Satellite/cable channels, Scale, Seating area, Separate shower/bathtub, Shower, Slippers, Smoke detector, Socket near the bed, Sofa, Soundproofing, Telephone, Toiletries, Towels, Umbrella, Visual alarm, Wake-up service, Wi-Fi [free], Window that opens:
Air conditioning: YES.
Blackout curtains: Crucial for sleeping in.
Coffee/tea maker: YES!
Free Wi-Fi: Thank GOD.
Minibar: Yes!!!!
Desk: I might need to work.
Bathrobes and slippers: I fully intend to live in these.
My Emotional Verdict (Stream of Consciousness, Baby!)
Okay, so, the *&%#@ hotel seems promising. The amenities are… a lot. Maybe too much? My initial reaction is *intrigued, but apprehensive*. The promises of relaxation and pampering are tempting, but the fear of *over-saturation* hangs in the air. This place has the potential to be amazing
Escape to Paradise: Luxurious Villa Seewind Awaits in Julianadorp!
Alright, buckle up, buttercups, because this ain't your grandma's itinerary. We're heading to Renesse, that little slice of Dutch heaven on Schouwen-Duiveland, and this is how it's supposed to shake down. Emphasis on "supposed." Reality? Prepare for a bumpy ride.
Day 1: Arrival, Sand, and a Serious Case of the 'OMG I'M HERE's
- 11:00 AM: Finally, wheels down at the holiday home. You know the drill – luggage-tussle, key-fumbling, the frantic search for the Wi-Fi password scribbled on a Post-it note that's clearly been through the washing machine. Found it! Then there's the obligatory inspection: "Is the fridge actually working? Does that sofa have a suspicious stain? Did the previous renters leave any delicious snacks…?" Score! A bag of stroopwafels. It's a sign.
- 12:30 PM: Lunch. Okay so the local supermarket didn't have the specific brand of Gouda I had a craving for, and my attempts at finding "the perfect loaf of bread" ended in a slightly-crushed baguette. Fine. We shall persevere.
- 2:00 PM: The Beach! Okay, maybe I'm a little excited. Like, full-on, "sand-between-my-toes-and-I-don't-care-if-it's-slightly-raining" excited. Renesse beach? Gorgeous. The wind? Ruthless. Got a face-full of sand. Totally worth it. Built a pathetic sandcastle. Got bored.
- 5:00 PM: The Great Bike Rental Debacle. Thought I was being clever. Pre-booked bikes. Turns out, I’m useless on a bike. After a twenty-minute tour of the carpark trying to get used to the gears, I nearly took out a small child and decided it was better to walk. My companions cycled on, blissfully unaware of my struggles, as I meandered slowly behind them. (note to self: practice bike riding before next trip)
- 7:00 PM: Dinner at a local "frietkot" (chip shop), because carbs are king, especially after nearly dying on a bike. Okay, so maybe I "accidentally" ordered a double portion of mayonnaise. Don't judge.
Day 2: Windmills, Water, and a Near-Death Experience (Okay, Maybe Not)
- 9:00 AM: Breakfast. Remember those stroopwafels? They are almost gone. Time to forage for more.
- 10:00 AM: Serious Windmill Time. Zierikzee! This town is so cute it should be illegal. These windmills are fantastic. Climbing one (I forget which, there were many) was a bit of a workout, but the views? Magnificent. Made a mental note to buy a postcard. And then immediately forgot.
- 1:00 PM: Lunch: More Gouda - found it! The supermarket in Zierikzee had an impressive Gouda selection.
- 2:30 PM: Delta Works: Epic or Overhyped? The Delta Works. MASSIVE. Engineering marvel. The sheer scale is… impressive. But also, I'm easily bored. Spent more time people-watching and questioning the structural integrity of my jeans.
- 4:00 PM: "Relaxing" at the beach again. Decided to attempt a swim in the North Sea. It's was a bad idea. So cold! Got out, shivering and feeling like I'd aged a decade. But hey, I did it! (Note: Invest in a wetsuit next time).
- 7:00 PM: Dinner out in Renesse. Tried a restaurant. Ordered fries! Also, "I think there's something in my eye."
Day 3: Market Mayhem and the Quest for the Perfect Herring
- 9:00 AM: The market in Renesse. So many flowers, so many cheeses, so many tourists. Got completely lost in a sea of Dutch-ness.
- 10:30 AM: The Herring Hunt. Heard about "Hollandse Nieuwe" (raw herring). Had to try. Found a herring cart. The fishmonger (a very charming, slightly intimidating man) gave me a demonstration. Slid the raw fish from the stall. Tasted one. Eyes widened. My face screwed up. It was… an experience. Actually quite tasty, in a weird, ocean-flavored kind of way. I went back for a second.
- 12:00 PM: "Chill time" (aka napping) at the holiday home. Exhaustion is real, folks, especially after confronting raw fish.
- 2:00 PM: Bike ride attempt number two! This time, I actually made it a few kilometers before I went back.
- 4:00 PM: Snacking and reading and generally lazing about. This is what vacations are for.
- 7:00 PM: Packing. Ugh. I'm surprisingly sad to be leaving. Maybe I can smuggle a windmill back in my suitcase?
Day 4: Departure (And Post-Trip Depression)
- 9:00 AM: Last Dutch breakfast. More stroopwafels. Acceptable.
- 10:00 AM: Cleaning and packing up. Trying to leave the holiday home in a state slightly better than when we found it.
- 11:00 AM: Goodbye, Renesse! Until next time. Already planning my return. Maybe I'll buy a wetsuit. And definitely practice my bike riding. And I'm bringing back ALL THE CHEESE.
- 12:00 PM: Departure. Wave goodbye to the North Sea and make a solemn promise to start eating more herring when I get home.
So, uh... What *is* this thing even *about*? (And why am I here?)
Alright, alright, settle down. This, my friends, is a haphazard attempt to answer the questions floating around my head (and maybe yours, too) about... well, *stuff*. Life, the universe, and everything... mostly *my* version of it. Honestly? I'm not entirely sure *what* it's about. It's just… *things* I’ve thought about. Like, have you ever stared at a blank wall and just… *thought*? That's this. Except with more typos and probably way too much caffeine involved. It’s also, hopefully, a distraction from folding laundry. Which, ugh, *folding laundry*.
Why are the answers so... lengthy? And why so *much* personal flair?
Okay, fair question. Look, I tried brevity. I *really* did. But my brain works like one of those chaotic, overflowing storage units you see on TV. You open it up, and *everything* spills out. Plus, I'm just not good at keeping things short. I’m one of those people who adds a "just saying" to everything. And that flare? That's just…me. I can't help it. I wear my heart on my sleeve, my thoughts on the internet, and my anxieties in the form of chronic overthinking. It's a package deal. Deal with it.
Okay, okay, I get it. But like... should I *trust* anything in here?
Trust? In *me*? Ha! Look, I'm just a person, okay? I'm not a guru. I'm not a scientist. I'm not even reliably on time for brunch. My opinions are just that: opinions. Based on… well, my experiences. And my experiences are a blend of brilliance, baffling missteps, and moments where I’m pretty sure I was possessed by a squirrel with a penchant for drama. So, take everything with a grain of salt. Maybe a whole shaker. Or a mountain of it. Your mileage may vary.
You mentioned "experiences." What *kind* of experiences are we talking about?
Ah, now we're getting to the messy, glorious heart of the matter! My "experiences" range from the profoundly mundane to the utterly ridiculous. Think: trying to assemble IKEA furniture (a war I'm *still* fighting), navigating the horrors of online dating (a thrilling descent into madness), and accidentally setting off a smoke alarm while attempting to make toast (a skill I have yet to master). Expect stories about relationships, friendships, career mishaps, and the eternal struggle to find matching socks. Basically, expect the human condition, but filtered through the slightly broken lens of… well, me.
Speaking of relationships, what's your take on... love? (Ugh, I know, cliché.)
Love? Ugh, don't even get me started. It's a beautiful, messy, infuriating, joyful, heart-wrenching, and utterly confusing thing. One minute, you're floating on cloud nine, the next, you're questioning all your life choices while surrounded by half-eaten tubs of ice cream and a soundtrack of sad Adele songs. I’ve flailed through romantic relationships like a fish on dry land, mostly because I’m terrible at reading cues (apparently, "I'm not really feeling this" is a *hint*? Who knew?!). I've had some amazing loves that felt like pure magic, and some that ended like a dumpster fire…that I may or may not have accidentally started. The point is: it's worth it, even when it feels like it's absolutely, positively *not*. But bring tissues. And chocolate. Lots of chocolate. And maybe a therapist. Just in case. Okay I'm rambling...
What about career stuff? Because, adulting.
Adulting. Ugh. The bane of my existence. I've had more jobs than I've had slices of pizza (and that's saying something). I've been a waitress, a barista (where I once accidentally put salt in *all* the coffee), a marketing assistant, and a writer (a career path that requires more self-promotion than I'm comfortable with *and* dealing with rejection. Ugh.). The point is: there are no guarantees. There are ups and downs. There are days when you feel like you're conquering the world and days when you're staring at the ceiling, wondering if you should just become a professional napper. Find what you can tolerate and try to not get fired – preferably, at least. And remember, everyone stumbles. Even the perfectly curated LinkedIn profiles hide a multitude of sins (and awkward office holiday parties). Oh, and if you're also a creative... embrace the self-doubt. It's practically a job requirement.
Okay, okay, so you’re not perfect. But are you, like, generally happy?
Happy? That's an interesting word choice. Am I happy *all* the time? Absolutely not. If anyone is, they're either lying or have some truly impressive coping mechanisms. I have my days. I have my moments of pure, unadulterated joy. I have my periods of crippling anxiety that make me question my entire existence. But, overall? Yeah, I'd say I'm... good. I’m grateful for the good days. I try learn from the bad ones. I surround myself with people who make me laugh (because laughter is, like, the best medicine). And I’ve learned that it's okay to not be okay, sometimes. And wine helps sometimes.
You’ve mentioned a lot of... *difficult* experiences. What’s the worst? Or if you had to pick just one…
Ugh. The worst? That's a tough one. I've had a few contenders. The job I mentioned earlier, where I accidentally put salt in the coffee. The time I tripped on the sidewalk and lost my composure in front of a whole crowd of people? A memorable moment. But if I had to pick one, *the one*, it would be that time... okay, okay, fine. I'll tell you. It was the breakup. Not the *first* breakup. Not the *second*. The one that felt like a goddamn nuclear bomb had detonated in my chest. We were together for… well, let’s just say a while. Long enough to put down some roots. Long enough to imagine a future. Long enough to buy matching mugs. (Ugh, the mugs. I still see them in a cupboard. It’Ocean View Inn
