Escape to Paradise: Your Dream Seaside Family Home Awaits in East Wittering!
Escape to Paradise: Your Dream Seaside Family Home Awaits in East Wittering! - A Wittering Wanderer's Review (Brace Yourselves!)
Alright, buckle up buttercups, because I just got back from a… well, let’s call it an adventure at Escape to Paradise: Your Dream Seaside Family Home Awaits in East Wittering! And I'm still processing it. They really don't give you a warning before you arrive. It's like, "Here's paradise! Good luck figuring it out!" (and let's be real, I needed luck).
First things first: Accessibility… Okay, so the website promises a good go at accessibility. I didn't need any serious wheelchair access, thank heavens (because, honestly, a proper seaside accessible holiday is an adventure for another day), but I did notice the general design seemed okay. The elevators and the pathways… they looked okay, at least. Please call ahead and confirm if you have specific accessibility needs. Always. I'm just a reviewer, not a miracle worker.
Cleanliness and Safety - (My Obsession, I Admit It!) Right, let's rip the band-aid off. Pandemic life has turned me into a sanitisation ninja. Escape to Paradise? They tried. They really, really tried. They have anti-viral cleaning products, daily disinfection in common areas (thank goodness!), rooms sanitized between stays (phew!), and staff trained in safety protocol. They even have a doctor/nurse on call, a hand sanitizer station at practically every turn, and individually-wrapped food options. Honestly, I felt like I was entering a sterile bio-dome sometimes! The professional-grade sanitizing services definitely gave me a tiny psychological boost. Could they have maybe used a few more signs reminding people not to lick the handrails? Maybe. But hey, at least they’re trying, right?
Rooms! Oh, the Rooms!
Now, about the rooms. This is where things get… interesting. I booked what they call a "family home" - okay, more like a posh, attempt at a "family home". It was a lot of space. Way too much. But hey, there’s the promise of Air conditioning (essential!), Blackout curtains (thank you, sweet baby Jesus), a Coffee/tea maker (my lifeline), my own Wi-Fi [free] which, as a blogger, is critical, and a ridiculously comfy bed, (I sank into that mattress like it was my destiny).
But then… then there were the quirks.
The bathroom phone – pointless! Who calls from a bathroom? The hair dryer - it was like they’d found it in a museum exhibit. Old, dusty, and barely produced warm air. Then there was the shower. Beautiful, clean, but for the first day, the hot water refused to acknowledge my existence. And the interconnecting rooms… well, let’s just say I overheard a lot about someone else's children.
My advice: Don't expect perfection, but do expect to enjoy yourself! Request a proper room and if they're busy? Ask for a move.
Dining, Drinking, and Snacking – The Fuel of Life (and Drama)
Okay, Food. I like food. I need food. And Escape To Paradise, bless its heart, gave a decent stab at it.
The breakfast [buffet] was a glorious spread. Okay, sure, it was "buffet-lite" with the pandemic precautions and a lot of pre-plated stuff, but seriously, the Asian breakfast was a revelation! The coffee shop was a lifesaver for those mid-afternoon sugar crashes (we've all been there!). The Poolside bar? Iconic. And the Happy hour? Well, let's just say there were a few blurry memories. There's also Room service [24-hour], which, after a day of battling unruly kids and rogue sandcastles, is a godsend. Although by 3 am, the only option left on the menu was a sad-looking sandwich.
The restaurants themselves? Varying levels of success. The main restaurant offered a decent of International and Western cuisine. Some dishes were divine, others… well, let's just say the chef seemed to have a different definition of "al dente" than I do. The vegetarian restaurant was a pleasant surprise: The food was delicious and, frankly, a welcome relief from the mountains of meat being ferried around.
They also have a Snack bar (good for the kids), desserts in restaurant (a must!), and a salad in restaurant (for those rare moments of feeling healthy).
Things to do, ways to relax (Or Attempt to)
Alright, the fun stuff. This is where Escape To Paradise really shines…sort of. The Swimming pool [outdoor] is gorgeous. The Pool with view gives you a chance to escape. The Spa, and I mean the full-blown Spa/sauna with a Steamroom, Massage, Body scrub, Body wrap? Pure bliss. I spent hours wallowing in the sauna, basically trying to sweat out all my worries. The Fitness center is well-equipped, though I confess I only looked at it. The thought of exercise after all that food was… well, laughable.
Important Note: There are no actual amenities to fully occupy your kids. There is no kids club. No dedicated play areas other than the beach itself.
Services and Conveniences – The Little Things That Matter
This is a mixed bag. On the plus side: They offer Air conditioning in public area (THANK YOU), Luggage storage (because let's be honest, you'll need it), Daily housekeeping, and a Concierge. The Cash withdrawal is helpful, and there is a Convenience store for those emergency chocolate cravings. They also have Car park [free of charge] (a huge win), Dry cleaning (luxury!), and Laundry service.
On the downside: Some things are missing. Babysitting service, Family/child friendly is questionable, because they're not set up for it. The Invoice provided process was painful. Just be aware, and roll with it.
Getting Around – The Great Escape (Or the Quest for Groceries)
Okay, the location. East Wittering is beautiful. But you're a bit… isolated. Airport transfer and Taxi service are available, but you'll probably want a car. The Car park [free of charge] is a huge plus. If you’re relying on public transit? Double-check routes before you go.
SEO Keywords - (Yes, I have to!)
- Escape to Paradise, East Wittering, seaside family home, family holiday, West Sussex hotels ,beach vacation, beachfront hotel, spa hotel, swimming pool, accessible hotel, pet-friendly, family-friendly, Wi-Fi, free parking, restaurant, bar, spa, sauna, gym, fitness center, family rooms, breakfast, clean hotel.
The Imperfections and The Glorious Mess:
Here's the honest truth: Escape to Paradise isn’t perfect. It's a bit chaotic. Bits of it feel a little… unfinished. The wifi sometimes cut out, the staff, while always friendly, sometimes seemed slightly overwhelmed.
And, honestly, it's not everyone's cup of tea. If you need immaculate perfection and constant attention to detail, it's not for you. If you want a completely smooth, seamless, and flawless hotel experience? Look elsewhere.
But… and this is a big but…
The Offer – Your Seaside Dream Awaits (With a Twist!)
Tired of the same old holiday grind? Craving a break where the sea breeze kisses your skin, and the kids can be, well, kids?
Escape to Paradise: Your Dream Seaside Family Home Awaits in East Wittering! offers something a little different. We offer a genuinely relaxed, utterly charming escape to the coast.
Here's What Makes Escape to Paradise UNIQUE:
- Stunning Coastal Location: Directly on the beach. Perfect for sandcastle construction, paddling and all of the chaos of a sandy family vacation!
- Relaxation Redefined: Unwind in our gorgeous spa with a massage, or sip cocktails at our Poolside bar.
- Family Fun: Spacious rooms to let everyone spread out (and the sea is literally at your doorstep!).
- Delicious Dining: From casual snacks to gourmet dinners, we have food to please every palate.
- Peace of Mind: Exceptional Covid-19 safety protocols for a worry-free stay.
But here’s the REAL DEAL offer:
Book your stay at Escape to Paradise before [Date - insert a specific date here, and make it a realistically short deadline!], and get:
- A complimentary bottle of prosecco (because you deserve it).
- A free upgrade to a family room
Alright, here's a gloriously messy, opinionated, and completely human itinerary for a seaside family shindig at our East Wittering escape. Buckle up, buttercups, it's gonna be a wild ride.
East Wittering Family Fiasco: A (Semi-Organized) Itinerary
Day 1: Arrival, Initial Panic, and the Great Sandcastle Debacle
14:00 (ish): Arrive! Well, attempt arrival. Let's be honest, the "ish" is crucial. The car invariably smells of questionable takeaway leftovers and despair after the two-hour drive from London. Cue the joyful shrieks of the kids ("Are we there yet?!"), followed by the inevitable bickering over who gets the window seat. I, on the other hand, am already mentally calculating how long before I can crack open a bottle of something bubbly.
14:30: Unpack. Or attempt to. More like a chaotic explosion of suitcases, beach toys, and questionable fashion choices. The house, thank heavens, is gorgeous. Still feels like a dream I can't quite believe.
15:00: Beach Blitz! The most optimistic of us (me, until the reality kicks in) grab the buckets, spades ("Why are we carrying these again?" says the husband), and head to the beach. It's glorious! The wind whips, the kids are buzzing. This is the dream, right?
15:30: Sandcastle Catastrophe. Let the building commence! I've clearly overestimated my sandcastle-architect skills. Mine looks like a melted ice cream, the kids’… well, let's just say it's a work of abstract art. The waves, of course, are merciless. They are ruthless! "Mom! The sea monster ate my castle!"
16:30: A minor crisis involving a lost inflatable flamingo and a near-meltdown from the youngest. Tears, tantrums, and a desperate plea for snacks. I offer my finest (and only) survival tool: bribery with chocolate biscuits.
17:00: Fish & Chips. Local pub, preferably with a view of the sea. This is the moment it all comes together - salty, fried, good food. The kids are finally (temporarily) appeased. The real taste of the coastal life!
18:00: Sunset stroll along the beach. Utterly breathtaking. Makes all the chaos worthwhile. The kids are finally tired, the sky is painting up on the horizon. A good moment.
19:00: Dinner at home. I've ordered a takeaway. Because ain't nobody got time for cooking after the day we've had. We'll toast to surviving the first day, preferably with something alcoholic.
20:00: Bedtime (for the children, hopefully for the rest of us too). A quick read of a book, a little cuddle. It can be heavenly if not for the sound of the sea.
Day 2: Sea, Sun, and a Spot of (Mostly Failed) Watersports
08:00: Wake up - or be woken. By a small person shouting, "I'm hungry!". The idyllic sunrise is just a distant memory.
08:30: The breakfast battle. Cereal chaos, toast tantrums, and the eternal question: "Can I have chocolate spread?".
09:30: Beach Round Two! This time, armed with more resolve (and a slightly less fragile sanity). The kids are experts at building a castle, which is soon demolished by the tide.
10:30: Watersports Attempt. The husband, in a moment of delusional optimism, has rented a kayak, paddle boards, and a windsurfer. The reality? More like "mostly falling over in the sea". The kids find the spectacle hilarious. We all end up wetter than we intended.
12:00: Lunch on the beach. Pack your own, because going to a restaurant in a swimsuit, wet hair, and a bad mood isn't a great look.
13:00: Ice cream break. Essential for keeping the peace. "One scoop each!" - yeah right.
14:00: A valiant effort to read a book. Abandoned after five pages, I'm distracted by the sound of the kids fighting about whose turn it is to push the swing.
15:00: Explore East Wittering - a tiny trip to the town, where we have a walk and get more ice cream.
16:30: Back to the chaos of the house.
17:00: Movie Night! Popcorn, blankets, and a family film. It's all about self-preservation at this point.
18:00: Another takeaway. Because.
19:00: Bedtime rituals. Repeat.
Day 3: The Day Everything Went Wrong… Almost
07:00: Wake up to torrential rain. The gods are clearly punishing us for our earlier optimism.
08:00: Breakfast… indoors. The children were already fighting about the cereal.
09:00: Desperate Measures. Board games! Puzzles! Any indoor activity that keeps the peace and sanity. The inevitable arguments inevitably ensue.
11:00: The storm starts to subside. Quick walk after the rain.
12:00: Lunch, inside!
13:00: We have a relaxing afternoon and a cup of tea.
15:00: The sun is out so we went again to the beach for one last goodbye.
17:00: Last Dinner!
18:00: Pack.
20:00: Sleep.
Day 4: Departure & Aftermath
08:00: Wake up, more rested?
09:00: The last breakfast!
10:00: Pack!
12:00: Drive off.
Aftermath: The car will be a disaster zone. We'll discover sand in places we didn't know existed. The laundry pile will be epic. But we'll also have memories. Gloriously messy, imperfect, and utterly unforgettable memories. And, let's be honest, we'll be booking next year's trip before we've even unpacked.
Escape to Paradise: Your Dream Seaside Family Home Awaits in East Wittering! - *Uhhh... Maybe? (FAQ - With Extra Angst)*
Okay, so, what *exactly* is "Escape to Paradise"? Is it, like, a timeshare? Because I've seen those brochures... they're a bit... dodgy, shall we say?
Dodgy? Honey, you're speaking my language! No, thank GOD. Thankfully, "Escape to Paradise" is actually a *house*. A real, actual, brick-and-mortar-type house, in East Wittering, on the coast. The brochure promises a "dream seaside family home." And you know what, the *dream* part? Yeah, maybe. The reality? Well, that's where it gets interesting. Think more "slightly faded postcard" than "Instagram-filtered paradise." We're talking a place where the seagulls have *opinions* about your breakfast. And you *will* hear them. All. Day. Long.
East Wittering? Is it... lively? Or am I going to be stuck in some sleepy backwater with nothing but an endless supply of beige and boredom?
Lively? Okay, let's be honest. "Lively" in East Wittering is relative. You're not going to find a raging nightclub (unless seagulls consider a screaming match at 3 AM a dance party). It's more like... *peaceful*. And the beige? Oh, it's there. It's in the pebble-dash houses, the beach huts, the general aesthetic, but it's also somehow... comforting? There's a certain charm, a quiet dignity. Like, you can't *not* relax. Unless the kids are fighting, which, let's be honest, is a constant. Then it's just a cacophony of beige-tinted chaos.
What about the kids? Are there things to do for them? Because, you know, screen time *can't* last forever...
Oh, the kids. Bless their little, chaotic souls. The beach *is* the main event, obviously. Sandcastles, paddling, building dams that inevitably get washed away – the usual. There's also this AMAZING ice cream place (I'm not joking, it's legendary!) – scoops so big, you'll think you’ve died and gone to heaven. BUT... and it's a big but... we’ve all been there right? It doesn't always work out. My youngest, little Timmy, insisted on digging a *massive* hole on the first day last year, found a crab, screamed bloody murder, and spent the next hour sobbing. So, fun for some, traumatizing for others. Just pack extra snacks and a lot of Calpol.
What's the weather like, generally? Because, let's face it, the British seaside can be a bit... unpredictable.
Unpredictable is putting it mildly! Buckle up, folks, because in East Wittering, you can experience all four seasons in a single afternoon. Sunny spells? Absolutely. Blistering winds that’ll make you wish you'd brought your winter woollies? Guaranteed. Showers that suddenly erupt into a torrential downpour, turning the beach into a muddy, freezing mess? Oh, yeah, been there, done that, bought the soggy t-shirt. The key is layers. AND a good waterproof. And maybe a small prayer to the weather gods. Seriously, I swear they have a secret pact to mess with our plans.
Is it well-equipped? Like, is there a decent kitchen? I'm not a chef, but I do like to, you know, *eat*.
Decent? Now, that’s the question. The kitchen in “Escape to Paradise” is…functional. It's got the basics: oven, hob, microwave, the usual suspects. It's not exactly a chef's paradise. But hey, you can still cook a decent meal – spaghetti bolognese? Absolutely. Roast chicken? Achievable. Gourmet feasts? Maybe not. And there's always the local fish and chips (highly recommended, by the way – best I've ever had). Just... remember to pack your own good knives. The provided ones... they tell a story, a story of past renters and their, shall we say, *challenged* culinary skills. Seriously, I think one of them might be older than me.
What about the neighbors? Will they be judging my slightly questionable fashion choices and my kids' constant noise?
Oh, the neighbors. They're lovely. Mostly. You get the odd grumble about the kids' noise (sorry, Mr. Henderson, but little Lily's singing opera at the top of her lungs is a force of nature!), but generally, it's a friendly bunch. There's a real sense of community. They’re used to tourists. They've seen it all, and probably heard it all. My advice is to smile, be polite, and bring them a homemade cake. Works every time! And the fashion choices? Well, let's just say no one's expecting a catwalk show. Comfort and practicality are key. Unless you feel the need to strut your stuff, by all means do so. But do expect a few raised eyebrows.
The Beach! Is it a good beach? I want to build a magnificent sandcastle!
Oh, the beach. Now, this is where "Escape to Paradise" truly shines. The sand is lovely, golden, and perfect for... everything. Sandcastles? Go nuts! Kite flying? Absolutely. Picnics that get invaded by seagulls (see: earlier complaints)? A definite possibility. And the sea... *sighs dreamily* The sea is cold, but bracing. Sometimes choppy, sometimes calm. Sunsets that will legitimately take your breath away. I swear, I once saw a sunset there that looked like a painting. Honestly, it made me cry. Not even kidding. Well maybe a little. I'm kind of a softie. And the smell... the briny, salty air. It just washes away all the stresses. Except the ones caused by the aforementioned Timmy and his crab-induced trauma. But even *that's* mostly forgotten by dinnertime.
Can you REALLY "escape" to Paradise there? I'm looking for some peace and quiet. Really.
Escape? Hmm. Well. Peace and quiet? Possibly. But *Paradise*? That’s a big ask. Look, it's not perfect. You'll have the screaming kids, the weather gods, the seagulls (always the seagulls!), the occasional plumbing issue (because vacation homes always have them, it's a universal law), the inevitable arguments about who left the wet towels on the bed. But... and this is a big but... you'll also have the sunsets, the ice cream, the sand between your toes, the laughter (eventuallyComfort Zone Inn
