Escape to Paradise: Exloërmond Holiday Farm Awaits!
Escape to Paradise: Exloërmond Holiday Farm Awaits! - My Surprisingly Awesome & Slightly Messy Review
Alright, folks, buckle up, because I just spent a week at Escape to Paradise: Exloërmond Holiday Farm Awaits!, and let me tell you, it was a journey. Get ready for a review that's less perfectly polished hotel brochure and more… well, me. I'm talking honest opinions, quirky observations, and the occasional stumble, because let’s be real, life isn't a perfectly staged Instagram photo. And hey, if you're searching for hotels near Exloërmond or a family-friendly farm stay in the Netherlands, you've stumbled upon the right place (apparently, the SEO gods are smiling on me!).
Accessibility: A Decent Start, But Room for Improvement (My Honest Take)
Okay, let's be realistic. Fully accessible? Not quite a slam dunk. While the hotel does have facilities for disabled guests, like an elevator and some accessible rooms, it's worth calling ahead and really getting the nitty-gritty details. I'd say it's a B- in this area. I, myself, am not disabled, but noticed some slightly narrow corridors and potentially tricky maneuvering in certain areas. Definitely confirm with the hotel to see if the specific room you're eyeing fits your needs.
Restaurants, Lounges, and the Joy of Food (Or at Least, They Tried!)
The restaurants were a mixed bag. They definitely have many options. The buffet breakfast was a glorious, slightly chaotic affair. Think a delightful array of Asian breakfast, Western breakfast, and the odd quirky Dutch treat. I went straight for the stroopwafels every morning! You could also get an a la carte meal in restaurant, or a quick breakfast takeaway service, which was great for lazy mornings.
I did, however, get a bit hangry one afternoon and regretted skipping lunch. I mean they have so many offering, but honestly, sometimes I just wanted a quick and easy. The hotel had a snack bar, but I found myself wondering if I could somehow convince them to make me a grilled cheese. They offer coffee/tea in restaurants, and the coffee shop.
The bar was pretty cool, offering beautiful Happy hours and with the poolside bar, so you can sip a cocktail while watching the sunset. I'm not a poolside person, but the bottle of water was a lifesaver.
On-Site Relaxation: Spa Days and Lazy Sundays (My Personal Nirvana)
Now this is where Exloërmond truly shines. The spa/sauna situation is top-notch, people! I spent a glorious afternoon melting into the sauna, then jumping into the swimming pool [outdoor]. Honestly, the Pool with view was a dream. I just sat there, staring at the gorgeous countryside, feeling all my stress melt away. They also offer a spa with Body scrub and Body wrap, for a complete spa experience.
I'm not a huge fitness buff but I did poke my head into the Fitness center once. It seemed well-equipped, but mostly I was happy to chill, read a book, and sip a delicious cocktail. I found the Foot bath really relaxing - a simple pleasure.
Cleanliness and Safety: Feeling Secure in a Crazy World
Okay, let's address the elephant in the room: safety in a post-pandemic world. Exloërmond takes it seriously. Lots of Hand sanitizer everywhere. They did sanitizing of rooms, had Anti-viral cleaning products. So you can go on your holiday with assurance about cleanliness and safety.
They had Daily disinfection in common areas, Rooms sanitized between stays. There was a doctor/nurse on call.
Dining, Grub, and Groceries: A Culinary Adventure (Mostly Good!)
The variety on offer was impressive. There was Asian cuisine in restaurant, and International cuisine in restaurant. Whether you prefer salad in restaurant or a soup in restaurant, there was something for everyone. There was a Vegetarian restaurant as well.
The only downside? They didn't, as far as I could spot, offer a late-night pizza delivery.
Services and Conveniences: Making Life Easier (Thank Goodness!)
The hotel has a ton of services. They had Air conditioning in public area, which was a lifesaver in the heatwave. They have Business facilities, a Concierge, and Daily housekeeping. The gift/souvenir shop offered a good selection of local treats. Parking was free with Car park [free of charge].
The meeting/banquet facilities seemed well-equipped too. Not sure about the Xerox/fax in business center (who even uses those anymore?), But you know, just in case!
For the Kids: Family Fun Guaranteed (Probably!)
Family/child friendly is an understatement. They offer Babysitting service, Kids facilities, Kids meal, and a whole host of activities. I didn't travel with children on this trip, but I definitely saw a lot of happy kids running around.
Rooms: My Cozy Little Sanctuary (With a Few Quirks)
My room was a beautiful. I'm a sucker for Air conditioning (essential!), and they had it. The bathroom was well-equipped with Bathrobes, Toiletries, Slippers, and all the essentials. I'm a big fan of Coffee/tea maker. I definitely needed my Complimentary tea. They even provided Free bottled water.
There was Wi-Fi [free]. Plus, the blackout curtains meant I could sleep in until noon. Total bliss!
Getting Around: Easy Peasy
The Car park [free of charge] was a huge bonus, and they offer Airport transfer.
My Verdict: Go For It! (But with Realistic Expectations)
Would I recommend Escape to Paradise: Exloërmond Holiday Farm Awaits!? Absolutely! It's not perfect, let's be clear. But it has a genuine charm, a fantastic spa, and a relaxed atmosphere. If you're looking for a break from the ordinary, a chance to unwind, and experience the Dutch countryside magic, this is a great choice. Just a few tweaks on accessibility and maybe a broader menu, but overall, definitely worth it.
Here's My Unbeatable Offer (Just For You!)
Book your stay at Escape to Paradise: Exloërmond Holiday Farm Awaits! within the next 7 days and receive:
- FREE Spa Upgrade! Enjoy a complimentary treatment at their amazing spa (think a body scrub or wrap, or even a relaxing 1-hour massage).
- A Welcome Basket of Dutch Delights! Featuring stroopwafels, local cheese, and other tasty treats upon arrival.
- Insider's Guide! I'll also hook you up with my personal list of hidden gems in the area – from the best local pubs to the most scenic cycling routes.
To claim this offer, use the code "MYMESSYREVIEW" when booking online or mentioning it on the phone.
So, what are you waiting for? Escape to paradise. It's waiting for you!
Unbelievable Luxury Awaits: Your Dream German Getaway at Quellenhof Retschow!
Alright, buckle up buttercups, because this isn't your grandma's meticulously planned itinerary. This is… well, this is my attempt to conquer Exloërmond, Netherlands, and its charming holiday farm, Tweede Exloërmond. Prepare for chaos, questionable decisions, and the potential for a complete and utter meltdown. Let's go!
Destination: Tweede Exloërmond, Netherlands – Holiday Farm X (I'm not even bothering with the actual name, you'll see why)
Theme: "Expectation vs. Reality: A Hilarious Dutch Disaster"
Day 1: Arrival & Initial Panic
- Morning (aka, the 'Get Your Act Together' Hour): Woke up with a vague sense of… dread? Packing was a whirlwind of "Oh crap, did I forget that?" moments. Ended up with three pairs of hiking boots (I don’t even hike), a single banana that’s probably seen better days, and a disturbing amount of emergency chocolate. The flight was delayed, naturally. The airline food was… well, it reminded me of something my cat coughed up once. Let's just say, it didn't inspire confidence.
- Afternoon (aka, "Lost in Translation and Possibly the Woods"): Finally arrived in the Netherlands. Rental car? More like a tiny, slightly dented death trap. The GPS lady kept yelling at me in Dutch, a language I understand about as well as a pigeon understands quantum physics. Finding the holiday farm? Let's just say there were moments where I suspected I was circling the same field of cows for the fourth time. Eventually, somehow, I stumbled upon it.
- Evening (aka, "Existential Dread & the Squeaky Door of Doom"): Okay, the holiday farm is… charming. In sort of a "Little House on the Prairie meets questionable plumbing" kind of way. The squeaky door on my room? It's a sonic weapon. Every time it opens or closes, it's like a tiny, wooden scream. Immediately unpacked, then promptly spilled red wine on my only white shirt. Dinner? I attempted to cook something, but the oven seemed to have an adversarial relationship with heat. Ended up eating bread and cheese, contemplating the meaning of life, and listening to the cows moo. It was… atmospheric. Or maybe just lonely.
Day 2: "Cycling Chaos & Existential Cow Gazing"
- Morning (aka, "Bike or Die"): The brochure promised idyllic cycling routes. Reality? Wind. Lots and lots of wind. And more cows. Rented a bike. It had gears, which I didn't understand. Managed to cycle (sort of) for about ten minutes before almost crashing into a particularly judgmental looking sheep. At this point, I had a real existential crisis with the cow.
- Afternoon (aka, "Drowning in Dutch Pastries & Doubt"): Fled from the cycling. Found a charming little bakery. Bought ALL the pastries. They were amazing. Like, seriously, I'm pretty sure I could have eaten a whole shop's worth. My jeans are probably weeping silently. Spent an embarrassing amount of time staring at a field of cows. And that cow! The one from this morning. I suspect it's judging me, my past pastry decisions, and my general lack of life plan.
- Evening (aka, "Trying to Appreciate the Quiet & Failing"): Tried to relax. Meditation? Nope. My mind races faster than the wind on those damn bicycle trails. Read a book. Fell asleep. Woke up to that infernal squeaky door. Contemplating barricading it with furniture. Decided to just eat more cheese. This dairy-based Dutch holiday is starting to become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Day 3: Doubling down on one experience: "The Cow Whisperer of Exloërmond"
- Morning (aka, "Embracing the Madness"): I am going back to the field and trying to learn more about the cows. Maybe I'll find a cow to befriend. Or maybe they'll lead me to some sort of hidden farm treasure.
- Afternoon (aka, "The Long Field"): I packed a picnic to eat with the cows. It's like I'm in a children's book. I brought a blanket, some apples and my journal. I approached the cow with no fear. Or maybe it was just a massive amount of self-consciousness. I tried to remember everything I knew about cows.
- Evening (aka, "Moo-ving On"): The cows let me in. After lots of whispering and a few apple slices, I felt a kinship with the gentle beasts. They might not be able to tell a good pastry from a bad one, but I could swear they were listening to me talk. And I think I got away.
- The Rest of the Day (aka, "Cheese & Existentialism Recap"): I eat cheese on my bed and continue to have an existensial crisis as I close my eyes.
Day 4: "Attempting Culture & Unintentional Comedy"
- Morning (aka, "Museum Madness (or Lack Thereof)"): Decided I needed to be "cultured." Found a local museum. Turns out, it's closed. Permanently. So much for culture. Wandered around the town. Very quiet. Mostly dead.
- Afternoon (aka, "The Lost in Translation Lunch"): Found a cafe, but when I ordered, I realized I only knew words relating to bread. Ended up eating a bread-based lunch of some sort, not really sure what it even was. But it was brown.
- Evening (aka, the "Farewell to the Squeaky Door"): Packing. The dreaded, inevitable packing. Realizing I'm leaving tomorrow. Also realizing I'm going to miss the cows, even if I don't know why. Still debating whether to put the squeaky door on my list of travel souvenirs. But, I still don't know what I'm eating!
Day 5: Departure & Unresolved Questions
- Morning (aka, "The Great Escape"): Woke up to the squeaky door echoing one last time. Said goodbye to the cows. Started the death trap car, packed it, and left.
- Afternoon & Beyond (aka, "The Aftermath"): Back in civilization. Still grappling with the existential questions posed by the cows and the squeaky door. Considering a second trip to Exloërmond. Or therapy. Maybe both. Definitely need to learn Dutch. And how to cycle. And definitely, definitely need to find out what was in that brown lunch. But, for now, I'm just going to eat more cheese. This, my friends, is my Dutch dairy adventure.
Escape to Paradise: Exloërmond Holiday Farm Awaits! (Or Does It?) - A FAQ That's Actually Helpful (Maybe)
So, Exloërmond... is it actually paradise? I'm picturing fluffy clouds and unicorns.
Alright, hold your horses (or unicorns). Let's be real. Paradise? That's a *big* ask. Exloërmond is... well, it's Exloërmond. Imagine a slightly grumpy farmer, a few cows staring at you like you're a particularly weird-looking scarecrow, and a vast, flat landscape that stretches on forever. Think less fluffy clouds, more... well, clouds. And the occasional, incredibly persistent bee.
My initial impression? Bit underwhelming. I arrived, and my GPS decided to take me on a scenic tour of every pothole in the area. I swear, my car now sounds like a washing machine full of rocks. BUT! Then you start to *see* it. The peace. The utter, glorious silence. The way the sunlight hits the fields in the evening... Yeah, it's got its own kind of beauty. Unicorns? Unlikely. But definitely a good spot for a proper escape.
What's the deal with the accommodations? Are we talking rustic charm or just straight-up rustic?
Okay, accommodations. This is where things get... interesting. "Rustic charm" is the official spiel. Translation? Don't expect the Ritz. We stayed in one of the chalets, and let me tell you, it wasn't *brand* new. There was a slight smell of... well, let's just say "farm adjacent." And the shower? Good lord. The water pressure was like a particularly timid kitten trying to attack a fire hose.
But, and it's a big but, it was clean. The beds were comfy enough (after a long day of scrambling for the wifi – see below). And the kitchen had, and I kid you not, *every single utensil you could possibly need*. Even a garlic press! Okay, so maybe I got a little too excited about the garlic press, but it was a *good* garlic press. Pro-tip: bring your own hairdryer. Mine blew a fuse on the first use.
Tell me about the Wi-Fi. Because, let's be honest, we need it.
Oh, the Wi-Fi. Prepare yourself. It's… an experience. Let's just say it's more 'dial-up' than 'high-speed internet'. Imagine trying to download a movie. Now, imagine it taking approximately two weeks. I spent an embarrassing amount of time huddled by the reception desk, desperately trying to upload an Instagram story.
Honestly? Embrace the off-grid life. Ditch your phone, look at the actual world. Seriously, the stars at night are incredible there! Okay, I did sneak in some movie downloads eventually. But I had to go into *town*, which is a whole other adventure. (Expect a very long drive if you want decent internet access)
What is there *to do* at Exloërmond, besides worry about the internet?
Ah, the question of all questions! Well, first and foremost, there's the *peace*. Absolute silence. You can hear the cows moo (and they do moo a lot). Walks are *amazing*. The landscape is wide open, great for cycling (bring your own bike, or rent one nearby). There are cute little towns, villages, windmills! The nearby national park is worth spending a day at as well. I mean, unless you’re used to cities... You might find it a little, TOO peaceful. Which isn't a bad thing, to be honest.
I'm not going to lie, one afternoon, I almost lost it. I took a nap on the grass and woke up to a cow staring me in the face. I screamed, the cow mooed. The farmer *laughed*. But then... I made a friend, and honestly, the farmer gave some of the best tips on where to eat. So maybe there's hope.
There's also a playground for kids. Which made me very happy that I didn't have kids. (Just kidding... mostly.)
Food! What is there to eat? Is it just cow-related cuisine?
Okay, food. This is another area where you need to plan ahead. There's a little farm shop on-site (I bought cheese!). But the main attractions, the *real* food? You're going to need to drive. Luckily, most of the little towns nearby have some charming, authentic places to eat. The farmer gave me some tips on where to eat – and I'd say listen to him. He knows his stuff!
I did accidentally order a cow-themed dish once, and it was... a lot of meat. But delicious, honestly. It's all down-to-earth, home-style cooking. Don't expect Michelin stars. Expect hearty meals, great local ingredients, and probably a hefty dose of carbs. Perfect!
Any hidden gems or things to avoid? Spill the tea!
Hidden gem: That tiny bakery in the village of ... (I can’t recall the name. It's small, you'll find it). The pastries are *divine*. The coffee is... well, it's coffee. But the pastries... *chef's kiss*.
Things to avoid? The temptation to bring *everything* with you. Pack light, you'll be way more relaxed. And don't expect to be glued to your phone. Embrace the unplugged life! (Unless you have a serious internet addiction, then… well, godspeed.) Oh, and maybe bring a good pair of walking boots. Those fields can get muddy.
So, final verdict? Would you go back to Exloërmond?
Honestly? Yes. It's not a luxury resort. It's not Instagram-perfect. It's not always easy. But it’s genuinely refreshing. It's a place to *unplug*, to breathe, to just... *be*. If you’re looking for a fancy city break, skip it. If you’re looking to escape the chaos and reconnect with nature (and maybe a slightly grumpy farmer), then Exloërmond might just be your kind of paradise.
Just... bring a book, a good pair of boots, and prepare to fall in love with the silence. Eventually. And maybe a few extra batteries for your phone. Just in case. (I'm still thinking about that garlic press, though…)
Tell me more about that *cow* incident!
Okay, deep breath. The cow incident. It's burned into my memory. I'd been wandering around, feeling all zen and connected to the earth after a long, quiet walk, right? Found a nice patch of grassLuxury Stay Blog
